Five minute Management Course

Five minute Management Course

Lesson 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands nake d in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
Moral of the story
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

---

Lesson 2

A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

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Lesson 3

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff ! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
Moral of the story
Always let your boss have the first say.

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Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.. [ Managers and Above .. :-D ]

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Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch..
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

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Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay ther e all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you ' re in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!


THIS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE !!!!

Golfing accident

A guy walks into a doctors office with a 5 iron wrapped around his neck and 2 black eyes. "What happened to you?" asked the doctor. "Well it all started when my wife and I were golfing and by accident she hit the ball into a cow field. When we went to investigate, I saw the ball in a cow's ass. I went and lifted the tail of the cow and that's when I made my mistake." The doctor looked puzzled and asked, "What mistake was that?"

"I said 'Hey this looks like yours hun!'"

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini Skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket.

As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn't!

So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give little more slack and again was unable to make the step.

About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line Picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.

Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, Screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!"

At this the Texan drawled "Well ma'am normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."

THE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT:

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.'

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the
ground.'

She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.'

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied , without missing a
beat,

Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you..

Tray-up, Bitch'

Calling in sick

We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how

legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm

lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because

the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I

had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in

the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain

the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly

because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little

kitty.

Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.

Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard

my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

'Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it..'

'You know where the button is,' I protested through the shower

pitter-patter and steam. 'Reset it yourself!'

'But I'm scared!' she persisted. 'What if it starts going and sucks me

in?'

There was a meaningful pause and then, 'C'mon, it'll only take you a

second..'

So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent

outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her

behavior as extremely cowardly.

Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to

find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my

circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its

gnashing metal teeth.. It was our new kitty, who discovered the

fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She

had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under

the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she

leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her

needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly

bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the

full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a 'fight or flight' syndrome.

Men, in this predicament, choose only the 'flight' option. I know this

from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink

and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.

The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.

Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself

lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of

'been-there, done-that' paramedics.

Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were

all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while

trying to suppress their hysterical laughter.......and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it

back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation

out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too

painful to talk about, which it was.

'What's the matter?' They all asked, 'Cat got your tongue?'

If they only knew!

Why is it that only the women laugh at this?

$20.00 .........

$20.00

Sometimes we just need to be
reminded!




A well-known speaker
started off his seminar by:

holding up a $20.00
bill. In the room of 200, he asked,
'Who would like this
$20 bill?'

Hands started going up.


He said, 'I am going to give this
$20 to one of you

but first, let me
do this.
He
proceeded to crumple up the $20 dollar bill.


He then asked, 'Who
still wants it?'

Still the hands
were up in the air.

Well, he
replied, 'What if I do this?'

And he
dropped it on the ground

and started
to grind it into the floor with his shoe.

He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty.


'Now, who still wants it?'


Still the hands went into the air.


My friends, we have all learned a
very valuable lesson.

No matter what
I did to the money, you still wanted it

because it did not decrease in value.


It was still worth $20.


Many times in our lives,


we are dropped, crumpled, and ground
into the dirt

by the decisions we
make and

the circumstances that come
our way.

We feel as though we are
worthless.

But no matter what has
happened or
what will happen, you
will never lose your value.

Dirty or
clean, crumpled or finely creased,

you are still
priceless to those who DO LOVE you.

The worth of our
lives comes not in what we do or who we know,


but by WHO WE ARE and
WHOSE WE ARE.


You are
special
-
Don't EVER forget it.'

If you do not pass
this on, you may never know the

lives it touches, the
hurting hearts it speaks to,

or the hope that it
can bring.

Count your blessings,
not your problems.


'And remember:
amateurs built the ark ..

professionals
built the Titanic.

If God brings you to
it - He will bring you through it.

Pass this
message to 7 people.

You will receive a miracle
tomorrow.

Women and shopping

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the
most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in
the second. In the third everything had just been reduced by 50 percent
when her cell phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her
husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical
condition and in the ICU.

The woman asked the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that
she'd be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be
her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to hit a couple of more
shops on the way to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a
cup of coffee and a slice of yummy chocolate cake, compliments of the
last shop. She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the
hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her
husband's condition.

The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished
your shopping trip didn't you!? I hope you're proud of yourself! While
you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your
husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as
well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be
the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will
require round the clock care. And taking care of him will now be your
career!'

The woman was feeling so overwhelmed with guilt she broke down and began
sobbing.

The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's
dead. Show me what you bought.'